Woman with dairy intolerance constantly orders food with dairy and cancels trips because of it, roommate calls her out for inconveniencing her

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Mar 24, 2026 10:00 AM EDT

Sometimes you have to help someone who can't help themselves. 

Part of friendship is stepping in when your friends are doing something wrong. Friends let stuff go. Best friends tell you when something is up. It's why we have each other. If you can't call out your bestie when they're doing something self-sabotaging, then you're not really their bestie. But that doesn't mean they're always ready to hear it. It's a fine line to walk between calling someone out in a way that leaves them feeling wounded and calling them in in a way that makes them feel supported. It's not an easy thing to delineate between, and you might end up caught in the crossfire. That's what happened in this roommate relationship, where everyone's feelings ended up hurt. 

When someone has a dietary restriction, it's up to them to enforce it. Food is an incredibly personal thing, and we all don't have the same relationship to it. Nobody should tell anyone else what to eat, unless you're someone's parent or someone's doctor. Food is more than what sustains us. It's also a huge source of pleasure in the course of a day. It's how we can connect with our cultures, and it's a constant bridge we have to cross. There's no avoiding it. Unfortunately, there is no pill that sustains us and gives us perfect nutrition. So we have to contend with food every day. And we have to be the arbiters of what we eat and what we don't eat. 

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  • A woman sits behind the wheel of a car
    via Alyssa Coulter

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

    A woman sits behind the wheel of a car driving her friends on a roadtrip

  • Am I in the wrong for correcting my roomie about her meals when eating out?

    Cheezburger Image 10617939200
    via u/wanderingartistgirl
  • camping trips together, we really love it. Several times now on our way to a camping trip we'd stop somewhere to get something to eat and she'd end up doubled over with horrible cramps by the time we got to the campsite and we'd have to pack up and turn around. Because i cook a lot I have a better idea of what's in most food then she does, but when we first ate out together years ago i pointed out
    via u/wanderingartistgirl
  • something had dairy in it to the waiter and mentioned she couldn't have dairy- and she asked me politely to not do that again, so I didn't. Well last weekend we went on a big kayak camping trip. We had just gotten off a ferry and were having a last hot meal at a little restaurant when she ordered something with brioche bread- which unlike most breads has a LOT of butter in it. So I said
    via u/wanderingartistgirl
  • "Don't get Brioche, it has a ton of butter." She shot me a dirty look and asked the waiter had to ask the chef who confirmed it did- and she got a substitution. She was pretty peeved at me for correcting her about her meal in front of the waiter- something she has asked me not to do before.
    via u/wanderingartistgirl
  • Cheezburger Image 10617938944
    via u/wanderingartistgirl
  • excellent tide pooling in! There were four of us on this trip. Her, me, another friend and my girlfriend. At this point, we'd woken up at 2am, driven five hours, taken a 2 hour ferry that cost 70$ and were gearing up to paddle a few miles over the harbor in the early morning cold. We'd all taken time off work, which was hard for us- and the only reason we'd taken such an early ferry was so we could paddle over early in the
    via u/wanderingartistgirl
  • morning when there were less boats in the harbor because roomie is afraid of kayaking near large boats and honestly none of us love it. So after we did alllll that, I wasn't willing to turn around because she didn't want to be told she'd ordered something with dairy in it. And the way the ferry's work to the San Juans we'd be waiting maybe days to get on without a reservation- which was set for
    via u/wanderingartistgirl
  • the day we were leaving. So am I the a hle for correcting her about her own dietary restrictions? Edit: I feel the need to point out that while the trips have been ended before due to dairy slips, of the 5 or so times it's happened 2/3 were not her fault because she ordered vegan food, and we camp a lot a lot. Basicly every weekend of summer and many weekends in spring and fall. This has happened fewer then 1 out of ten trips.
    via u/wanderingartistgirl

  • Sometimes, though, what we eat does affect others. Like in this story, where one woman's intolerance wreaked havoc on her friend group. On more than one occasion, it ruined a camping trip with her roommate. So her roommate was understandably a little fed up and wanted to take the proper steps to avoid a meltdown. The problem was, she wasn't ready to hear it. So they were stuck in a difficult place that neither of them was comfortable being in, and that was that. Keep reading to see what commenters had to say about this tough roommate situation.

  • A woman eats a slice of pizza at a restaurant with a friend next to her
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

    A woman eats a slice of pizza while her roommate stands next to her

  • Commenters gave their two cents on the story.

    Anxious-Routine-... NTA. Roommate doesn't get to not advocate for her own health by not being vigilant about what she eats and ruin everyone else's plans as a result.
    via u/Anxious-Routine-5526
  • InevitableAnybody6 NTA but it's time to let her suffer the consequences of her own actions without you suffering along with her. It seems like whenever she isn't well enough to attend something because she's downed dairy beforehand, you also turn around and go home with her. That needs to change.
    via u/InevitableAnybody6
  • She's an adult and is responsible for her own actions. If she can't be bothered to manage her own dairy intolerance then she should be the only person suffering the consequences of that choice. If she doesn't want you to help identify dairy containing foods,
    via u/InevitableAnybody6
  • that's absolutely fine. If she wants to stick her head in the sand about what is in the food she's eating and suffer for it later, that is her prerogative as a grown a woman. You should stop missing out on doing the things you want to do though just because she can't manage herself and her medical condition. I don't know if it's
    via u/InevitableAnybody6
  • some kind of power play or she's just that ignorant, but either way it's time for you to stop playing along. She goes home to hug the toilet and you go have fun doing whatever you had planned.
    via u/InevitableAnybody6
  • No_Barracuda_37... NTA would be completely different if you didn't know they would ruin your trip by doing so. I think you need to have a conversation with them. Clearly state why you did it and that you won't do it again if it's really
    via u/No_Barracuda_3758
  • bothersome but that you won't be either planning trips with them any longer if it happens again or you will not be cancelling if they need to leave because of this they will need to do so alone. It almost seems on purpose.
    via u/No_Barracuda_3758
  • Fun_Landscape_9... This isn't about dairy or stomach cramps. There's something else going on. If she reacts to dairy as you describe, then she wouldn't want to travel back home. She'd want to be exactly where she is. It sounds like she's trying to get out of activities for some reason.
    via u/Fun_Landscape_9127
  • Who7Me7 NTA if her stomach cramps are so bad that you have to cancel your plans every time, why is minor embarrassment in front of a waiter you'll likely never see again worse?
    via u/Who7Me7
  • swillshop NTA Talk with roommate and TELL her that she has to choose one of two options going forward: 1. You won't say boo about her food ordering choices. However, (1) she will still be responsible for her FULL share of all
    via u/swillshop
  • expenses for the trip, (2) you will not stop your trip for her in any way. (3) she will be responsible for having her own self care supplies and suffering in place without you taking time to care for her OR for arranging and getting transportation back to a place she can recover.
    via u/swillshop
  • OR 2. She respects your RIGHT to protect a trip you have invested your own money, time (including PTO), effort and interest in. If you realize she is about to consume excess dairy, she APPRECIATES you saving her from ruining HER trip (as well as your own).
    via u/swillshop
  • If neither of those are acceptable to her, then you will not plan to make trips. with her. There is absolutely no reason to be embarrassed about clarifying ingredients/protecting you from eating foods that will
    via u/swillshop
  • cause her physical distress. You are not doing anything unkind or ride to her. If she is unwilling to work through her emotions about that, she makes herself too much of a risk to travel with.
    via u/swillshop
  • irrelevantAF ESH - but not for the obvious reasons: Your friend has a medical condition, something that probably doesn't only hurt. her, but harms her long term. She refuses to educate herself on this and makes bad decisions. Because those decisions
    via u/irrelevantAF
  • affect you, you try to take care of her (understandable from your perspective), instead of her learning how to live alone as an adult with her condition. Also, if she makes irresponsibly wrong food decisions, you cater to her cramps and drive back home. Bottom line:
    via u/irrelevantAF
  • 1. You are enabling her irresponsible behavior by caring for her. This leads to her being even less independent (food-wise). 2. You cook for her and make sure she doesn't get poisoned by her own bad knowledge all the time are you her - mother or her roomie?
    via u/irrelevantAF
  • 3. You rob yourself of your own experiences, by turning around when she stupidly ate something that makes her ill again. She is an - adult, she should deal with the fallout of her bad eating habits herself, without you losing out on your trips.
    via u/irrelevantAF
  • Cheezburger Image 10617945088
    via u/irrelevantAF

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friendship best friends friends dairy relationships friend drama friend food discourse conflict
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